


that one time dean and cas kissed and never mentioned it again

by choiyoonas



Category: Supernatural
Genre: (kinda), Bisexual Dean Winchester, Boys Kissing, Castiel Loves Dean Winchester, Castiel/Dean Winchester First Kiss, Dean Winchester Loves Castiel, Destiel - Freeform, First Kiss, Inspired By Tumblr, Light Angst, M/M, Non-Linear Narrative, Season/Series 05, hellp these poor gays, personal space? don't know her, they're kinda dumb
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-21
Updated: 2020-12-21
Packaged: 2021-03-10 19:33:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,220
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28212471
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/choiyoonas/pseuds/choiyoonas
Summary: dean has to explain to cas why personal space is a thing and ends up kissing himOR,the time dean and cas kissed and never mentioned it again, ft. some angst
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester
Comments: 2
Kudos: 52





	that one time dean and cas kissed and never mentioned it again

**Author's Note:**

> hello. i am on a destiel kick rn and i simply cannot stop. i was inspired by a post on tumblr and i can't remember who posted it but it was a ficlet/meta about dean/cas kissing once and just. never bringing it up again. i think the post included dean explaining personal space to cas. thank u op for the post. i love u. god i wish i could remember op's url >:(

  
Dean isn’t sure how it got to this point. He’s with Cas in some motel in the middle of nowhere, like usual. Sam’s off on some food or ammo run or other, leaving Dean and Cas together. Alone. It’s not weird, being with Cas. It’s nice to be around someone that isn’t Sam for a change. The angel’s presence is rather comforting. Though he’d never admit it, Dean kind of likes having Cas around.

He has to explain to Cas why standing not two inches apart from someone else is’t normal.

He doesn’t know how.

“Dean, you don’t have to explain this to me, I know how to use the… Goggle, is it?”

Dean sighs.

“It’s Google, and yeah, I do. Who else is gonna tell you, huh?”

“Sam might.” An image of Sam seated not unlike himself, explaining human social convention to Castiel, flashes in Dean’s mind. The idea is hilarious, really. Sam would.. He’d go on some nerdy spiel about the evolution of human society and junk. Dean, though, settles on a simple, to the point explanation.

“Nah, it’s better if it’s me. Anyway,” Dean pauses to gather his thoughts before continuing, “Personal space is, uh. It’s hard to explain, but basically, normal people don’t stand really close together and talk to each other, not if they’re just.. Just friends.”

“Why?” Cas asks, sounding for all the world like an inquisitive five year old, head tilting in that adorable way that makes Dean’s heart do backflips in his chest. Cas’ blue eyes look darker in the shit lights of the motel room, a nice contrast to Sam’s green-hazel eyes and Dean’s own. Dean wonders when he started thinking of the angel this way, as someone to care for, not as someone he’s indebted to for pulling him out of Hell, saving him. Dean remembers their first meeting in vivid detail, in screaming color. He remembers the flashing light, the barn doors opening. Mostly, he remembers Cas and his wings and the strangeness of his mannerisms, as if it has been a long time since he last occupied a body. A vessel.

“'Cause, Cas, it’s just the way society works. We don’t get super close to people physically, unless you want to make someone angry, or.. Like I said, friends usually keep some degree of distance between themselves.”

“What about.. If the two people in question are more than friends?”

“Then they’ll stand closer together, unless they’re fighting, or one of them needs space.”

“Oh.” Cas replies, scooting closer to Dean on the shitty motel bed for a reason Dean can’t place, “Can I.. Be close to you?” Dean blushes at that, but doesn’t move to stop Castiel. His heartbeat picks up at the thought of Cas deliberately being close to him, the thought of finally being able to touch Cas in a way he’d never allowed himself to before. The Dean Winchester of 2005, four years removed from the present day, would be mortified that the idea of an older version of himself coming to terms with the feelings he so repressed. Dean still doesn’t have a grip on it, he knows it’ll be awhile until he does. For now, Dean has Cas’ friendship, and.. Well, that’s good enough for him. Dean doesn’t catch it when Cas mutters something about Dean’s heart rate increasing and his confusion as to why.

“Yeah, go ahead.” Cas closes the distance between himself and Dean.

“Dean, why don’t we sit like this all the time?”

“Wait, we’re not--you can’t even-” Dea stops himself. He’s afraid that if he continues, everything will slip out. Everything, all the times he thought of someone that isn’t a woman in a way that mostly definitely aligns with the opposite end of the spectrum of his sexuality.

“Can’t even what?”

“You’re an angel?”

“And?”

Cas kisses him, then, softly. Dean kisses him back; he’s the one that initiates another few kisses.

“Um,” Dean mumbles awkwardly when they part, “Can we not, uh, mention that? Like, ever?”

“Why?”

Dean wants to lie. He wants to lie and say that he doesn’t have feelings for Cas. He wants to say that he only kissed back to see what kissing a man feels like. He doesn’t. Instead,

“I’m not ready to admit I-I might not be straight.”

“Straight?”

“Oh, come on, man. Surely you understand human sexuality?”

“I do. I just wanted to see how you would explain it to me. Clearly, you’re resistant to doing so.” Cas chuckles, looking at Dean ever so fondly. It’s almost embarrassing to be looked at that way, like the other person has seen your soul and is entirely convinced of its purity, its radiance. Maybe that’s the way Cas sees Dean’s soul, the one he gripped tight and raised from perdition. The one he will fall from Heaven for. But Dean doesn’t know that. Not yet. Castiel is likewise unaware that the fragile human before him is the one he will give up his grace, his divinity, for.

When Sam gets back, Dean and Cas are sitting an appropriate distance apart. As promised, they don’t bring it up. Cas stays silent on the entire exchange, not even bringing up the lesson in humanity.

Dean forgets it ever happened. Cas doesn’t. His memory is impeccable for a being so old. He remembers the way Dean’s freckles looked in the shitty motel room lights. He remembers the way Dean’s eyes filled with unshed tears when he gently forced Cas away after their impromptu kissing session. He even remembers the way he could feel Dean’s heart rate increase when he leaned forward to kiss him. Dean forgets, but Castiel remembers. It’s almost always this way, Dean forgetting the way Cas looks at him when he thinks Dean can’t see; the fleeting touches he hopes Dean will forget just enough that he actually does. Most of all, Castiel hopes the one thing Dean _doesn’t_ forget is the way Cas’ lips felt on his own that quiet afternoon in a motel that smelled like bleach and carpet cleaner. In that shitty motel room, Castiel kisses someone and gets kissed by someone for the first time. It holds a special place in his heart. It’s one the places he would return to if given the chance, just to relive the euphoria of kissing Dean. Even though they swore to never bring it up again, kissing Dean that day returns to Cas’ memory when he becomes human and he sleeps for the first time. Castiel wishes he hadn’t dreamt of that, because it’s the first thing he thinks of when he sees Dean again. It hurts him to push away the memory when he’s sure Dean’s forgotten about it.

What he doesn’t know is that Dean never forgot. That one time he kissed Cas and never brought it up again stays with him. It remains an embarrassing memory when Dean gets his head out of his ass and admits to being in love with his angel, just in time to lose him again.

Losing Cas is the worst thing that’s ever happened to him. Worse than Mary leaving her sons twice, worse than John dying. Hell, it’s worse than all the times Dean’s lost Sam.

It’s worse because he doesn’t love _any of them_ the way he loves Castiel.

**Author's Note:**

> i hope u enjoyed this shitshow lol. this is sort of an 18th bday present from me to me hehe but if u enjoyed feel free to comment or leave kudos ok bye have a good day (or night) <3


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